Awards shows are self-congratulatory industry bacchanalia that we play voyeur to because we love watching rich and famous people be rich and famous and pretend to be humble.
Slap on a death montage and a lifetime achievement award of some sort to keep it from being a full blown orgy of how awesome everyone must think this specific entertainment medium being celebrated is.
The sports awards show is next-level laughable awards-just-to-have-awards because people will always watch something combining celebrities and justifying our own tastes and opinions.
“That film got robbed for Best Picture” and “This album that I know two songs from is superior to that album” is one thing.
“This athlete sported better than that other athlete” is that awful bar argument the crew of tavern experts are loudly having while you’d much rather hear the announcers call the game on TV you got out of the house to watch.
But in tuxedoes and with a presentation by Jonah Hill.
All the while doing its best to not have the viewer acknowledge that sports are composed of awards already—MVPs, rookies of years, baseball wives, comeback players, charitable honors, crystal footballs, cooked birds stuffed inside other cooked birds, giant engraved cups that may contain hepatitis, baseball mistresses, whatever firearm the trophy for the Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl is, actual damn league championship trophies.
But those silly honors don’t have the Bristol brand on them. And damn if they won’t insult your intelligence with a category like “Best NFL Player” while having league MVP Peyton Manning as the only NFL Player nominated in the category “Best Male Athlete.” Will Luke Kuechly pull off the upset?
Better tune in. “Best Championship Performance” is not at all like giving someone game/series MVP because, if you’ll notice, a NASCAR guy is nominated.
“Best Bowler” is not just a shameless attempt at sex appeal.
The Arthur Ashe Courage Award is not just an excuse for a Tom Rinaldi feature story to make you cry.
People watch, though. Enough where the actual sports leagues are now presenting athletes with their awards at forced, awkward awards shows of their own. It’s all quite terrible, but it doesn’t need to be. I would watch a sports award show with some truly unique awards.
Since I’ve been dubbed “not TV friendly” by various networks and focus groups, my great ideas are tragically stuck in print form.
Fine. Presenting to you the best in the last year in sports—the 2014 BSPYs.
Best Non-Football Player Injury
A punter’s fractured jaw and vertebrae
And the BSPY goes to…
The torn anus because it’s a torn anus.
Hottest Take
Mike Florio says you can’t talk about your hypothetical son not playing football
All of the soccer columns about the sport’s Americanness or uncoolness or it’s not as good as Matlock
Clay Travis defends Donald Sterling because minorities need to have awful things said about them in order to be treated equal or something
Rick Telander ponders Chicago gun violence and the NBA free agent condition
Steve Simmons numbers bad kill kill
Mark Kiszla wrote about LeBron with his feet
And the BSPY goes to…
All those soccer columns that can’t stand that people like soccer. So bold. So jingoistic.
Biggest Problem For A Better Humanity In Sports with special guest presenter Roger Goodell
Donald Sterling
Richie Incognito
Vladimir Putin
Washington NFL team name defenders
Roger Goodell
And the BSPY goes to…
NFL players using the n-word on the field. Football is otherwise perfect and wonderful.
Media Cannibalism Of The Year
Katie Nolan on Rick Reilly Part 1
Keith Olbermann on Boomer Esiason and Craig Carton
And the BSPY goes to…
Greg Howard. Holy hell, can I only dream of ever writing polite destruction that well.
Best Free Agency Scoop with special guest presenter an unnamed source
Cupcake shop knew LeBron was returning to Cleveland
Chris Broussard confirms LeBron telling everyone he’s returning to Cleveland
God reporting the Seattle Seahawks will draft you
And the BSPY goes to…
Caroline’s Cupcakes. Is there anything cupcakes can’t do?
Hey, we lost a lot of fine people this year. Let’s take a minute to remember those who have gone before us. Your impact on our lives is immeasurable.
Best “Really? A Nazi Joke?” with special guest presenter your uncle’s Facebook page
Rick Reilly
Martin Kaymer v 2014 U.S. Open = Germany v 1939 Poland
— Rick Reilly (@ReillyRick) June 13, 2014
Malaysian parliament member Bung Moktar Radin
WELL DONE..BRAVO…LONG LIVE HITLER…
— Bung Moktar Radin (@MyKinabatangan) July 8, 2014
And the BSPY goes to… Rick Reilly.
This was a close one, because your uncle loves to make fun of Asian names, but Rick Reilly is like the Mussolini of supplying jokes for uncles.
Best Performance By An Athlete In A Movie sponsored by Firestorm starring Howie Long
Adam Dunn, Dallas Buyer’s Club
Arian Foster, Draft Day
Curt Schilling and Barry Larkin, Million Dollar Arm
And the BSPY goes to… Arian Foster. I haven’t seen any of these films, but the ratio of Foster’s interestingness to Draft Day’s questionability gives him the nod.
Best Nut Shot DeMarcus Cousins’ balls don’t lie
RG 2 Welington Castillo is a microcosm of the Chicago Cubs
David Ortiz’s kid wants no more siblings
And the BSPY goes to…
Little Ortiz vs. the little Ortiz. Children hitting balls into the groins of adults will never not be the best.
The John Rocker Courage Award with special guest presenter your friend that doesn’t understand the First Amendment
Bill Simmons crying out in the wilderness
Erin Andrews enduring the horror of a loud, angry Black man
Mark Emmert’s attempts to save the good left in America
Rick Reilly showing up to his family’s Christmas party
Robbie Gould playing to feed his family
Ron Jaworski refusing to draft Johnny Manziel in the first three rounds
Johnny Manziel not caring about aaaaaaaanything and fueling so much mockable stuffy media ire
And the BSPY goes to…
Johnny Manziel. Please oh please be just good enough to stay in the league for, like, five years. It’s all I ask.
It’s been a wonderful evening of honoring some very deserving people. Thank you for being part of it. Now, in true sports award show fashion, refresh this page and immediately watch the rerun.
Tim Baffoe is a lifelong resident of Chicago’s Southwest Side and is a teacher, pizza delivery driver, and freelance writer with a regular sports column for CBS Chicago. You can follow his desperate cries for help on Twitter at @TimBaffoe.
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